My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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