I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
