I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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