Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
