we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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