his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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