I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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