Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
