we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
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You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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