Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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