your thong is hanging out like whoa
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
