Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
