Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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