Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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