I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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