it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dating After Heartbreak
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.