Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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