I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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