I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
