So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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