The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
