I like to think it a success when the cops are called
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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