so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
