I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
