all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
