Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
