Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
