how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
