I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
