The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
