I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
