Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
