i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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