My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
