I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?