Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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