I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
