I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
