He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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