How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
