WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
