I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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