I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
