the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
