I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
