you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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