The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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