I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
