we have pet lesbian snakes
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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