if i can run in heels then i can drive
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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