My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
