Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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