I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
