The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
