I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
